clocks

time has flown this year. i remember going sledding with my then great life crush Oakly. running around tackling each other in the lovely january snow. meeting his nieces and nephews and falling in love with each of them. realizing that maybe this crush was turning into more. skipping ahead now we've been married for nearly 2 months. they haven't been easy months. but when have Oakly and i decided to let things be easy? each time i look at a clock my heart skips a beat... its already that time?? its already that day? its already been 2 months? summer is nearly over and i feel that i'm just ready to have it start. why have i let time fly by so quickly? why do clocks determine my life? wake up at 7:00 be ready to leave at 8:15 be to work by 9:00... time... clocks. who decided to let us be run by time? i mean i understand the reasoning of time and of order... however, what ever happend to this moment? this time right now? in all reality that is all we have. this moment this time. we aren't promised anything more or anything less. this moment is our life. this choice, this word, this emotion. why do so many of us concentrate on what will be or what will happen when all we have is right now. why not focus on right now. make more concious decisions now that will lead us to what we so desire. every single thing i do within this moment decides my future decides a little more of the outcome of my life. this thought. i don't have five minutes from now for that does not exist.. i do not have 5 minutes ago for that no longer exists.. all i have is now. and i'm going to make the best of it. so why clocks?

beautiful

challanges that we go through may impact us or they may not. depending on our attitude and our out look on life we are the ulitmate deciders on this. we choose our life. i choose my life. this past month has taught me alot. i've learned that i can let something get to me, hurt me, stress me out or i can choose to be happy. i choose to remember that life is beautiful. that each challange that comes my way is beautiful. i am genuinely grateful for everything that has ever happened to me in my life. i've grown from it. i've learned from it. and i've created who i am from each one. i love who i am today and i am grateful to all those challanges that have impacted who i am. life is beautiful. always remember that.

yup.

blog.... bloggy... blogger.. bloooger... blogggg... blooooOg.

well.. to be honest, i don't know what to write. writers bloggy block if you will. i have a lot to say, a lot i'm thinking about but nothing that really draws my fingers attention. click... click...

hm... remember the days when we were just able to sit on the front porch in the summer. popsicle in hand and just gaze at the sky as the gooey red, green, purple, or orange dripped all down our fingers into our laps... running through sprinklers, rolling down grassy hills. playing with chalk. dancing around in circles. getting dizzy and falling to the ground only to gaze into the beautiful sky and make shapes and stories out of clouds.
innocence.
i swear i am not that old. and yet i see a drastic change in the future generations that follow me. where i was dancing, running and playing outside those who follow behind me are staying inside. collecting dust. playing video games and running from our beautiful sun. its so sad to me. i don't understand the immense change that has occurred and it frightens me for even future generations. thus i feel the desire to make a stand. to stand for the health of children, the innocence, the playfulness, the laughter, the joy and the beauty of children. to see colorful side walks of chalk. to watch and join as kids roll down numerous hills of freshly cut grass. i stand to not let my innocence and my child-like soul dwindle in the darkness of stress, anger, adult-hood. i stand to allow children to be children. to sing, to pretend, to jump on trampolines, to ride bikes, to paint, to PLAY. i stand to always remember my inner-child. to embrace her and love her and to inspire others to do the same. to inspire children to be children. to love them for who they are and to allow them to be their selves. i stand for their safety, i stand for their love, and i stand for innocence.

thoughts, feelings, emotions.

i love garden gnomes, for no reason at all... they just make me so happy.
i love to watch people they are so peculiar. i just want to get to know them, their story, their life... so fascinating to me.
i love to eat ice cream.. any type, any flavor, any time.
i am my own worst critic... its something that is always a work in progress for me..
i love being outside, anything to do outside i'm there.
i love rock climbing, i love heights, i love that i am the only one that is keeping me from falling, i love that control and that rush.
i swear i am a 5 year old trapped in a 20 year old body
i love catching bugs and lizards..
mice creep me out
if you want to torture me, tickle me.
i love going on walks and holding hands
love chalk.
i like to doodle and write random things
i love my chubber nephew landon
and i love all my new little nieces and nephews.
i think probably every second of every day... my mind is always racing but its about crazy weird things that are super deep. ha its fun.
water. love it.
i love to learn things.
i love to teach things.
i love vacations
i love learning new languages.
getting married freaks me out. but i am so excited for it.
i like to feel how sharp my teeth are with my tongue.
i hate being rushed.
i love little things.
i really dislike having to conform.
the feel of meat makes me sick.
but i love to watch surgeries being performed...
i love antiques. always have. i love to rummage through my grandpas random items that he has kept for the past million years, in fact i am using them to decorate our new house!
i love leaves...
i love grass.
feathers make me happy.
i love white tables and cabinets and things
i love all colors really, but recently its been more blues and greens and such.
the sun in my paradise.
i love yard work. planting flowers, mowing lawns, weeding, gardening. love it.
i have always been a hard worker, but i tend to take everything on myself.
i hate being told i'm wrong but i claim to love bluntness.
i am sensitive.
i pray probably every 10 minutes in a day.
i love animals.
i love when i wake up to birds singing
i love birds, how free they seem to be just flying around being all cheerful and such.
i love church, i am so grateful for my amazing ward and i am so grateful for the impact that it has made on my life.
i love decorating and getting new ideas that no one else has :)
i am grateful that i can now catch myself when i am being a nerd.
i love deep conversations.
eye contact.
i love all of Oakly's little quirks and things.. even the things that piss me off most i love.
i love kids. love... them..
i love being tan.
i love running
i love hiking and fishing and swimming
i am scared of failure.
i am scared to hurt anyone.
i'm some times way scared of the dark.
i love when people smile randomly
i love connecting with people
i like to go grocery shopping
i love close friends
i love spending time with my family
i love life.

i am

so many times i forget who i am. i dwell on things that i'm not, let them eat at me. hurt me. and i pull those around me down with this darkness that i allow to surround my being. that dark place is not me. i know who i am. i am light-hearted, caring, genuine, loving, free, peaceful, accepting, authentic, beautiful, worthy, joyful, innocent just to say the very least... i am good enough. i am enough. i am loved. i am love. i am beautiful and i am so much more. i strive to no longer dwell on what i am not. and to accept those imperfections that i do have. i get to remind myself what i AM and why i am thus:

i am free.
because i accept. because i let go of the past and engage myself into the now. i am free because i give up my sorrows to the lord. because i am free of hate, sadness, hurt, unworthiness. because i choose to love. because i choose joy. because i choose to be in a happy relationship. i am free because i choose to be child-like. because i choose me.

i am loving.
because i love. because i am loved. because i accept all those surrounding me. i am loving because i love myself. because i love my family. because i love Oakly. i am loving because my savior Jesus Christ loves me and my holy Father in Heaven loves me. because i am peaceful and create security for those around me. i am loving because i care and genuinely love people, all people. i am loving because i am love.

i am worthy.
i am worthy because i am good enough. because i fight evils every day. because i strive to do what is right. because i pray. because i believe. i am worthy because i let go, i forgive, i live. i am worthy because i am imperfect and i recognize my imperfections. i am worthy because i know that i am loved. i am worthy because i am a daughter of God. i am worthy because i give my whole heart to my savior and redeemer. i am worthy because i love myself. i know i am worth it. i am worthy and i am ready.

i know that i am a free, loving, worthy women. and i know that by sharing my gifts i create a world full of abundance, love, innocence, joy, freedom, beauty, purity and worth. i am these things. i create these things. and i am.

my cowboy, my love

lets slow down the time
freeze frame
all i want is you here
all i want is you here with me

your soft touch
gentle gaze
my heart palpitates
tick tock erase

erase the past
love the now
paint our future
take your bow

hold me close
show me your light
i see your eyes
catch my breath in your sight

fingers intertwine
planes soaring by
making pictures from clouds
you make my heart fly

together forever
dreams coming true
my cowboy, my love
i'm ready for this adventure with you

never forget

i see you
i'm in love with your touch
i'm in love with your face
you're my christmas morning
my warm embrace
running in slow motion under water
attacking my aches and pains
you free my soul
have shown me the way
what i deserve
what i get
what i love
i'll never forget
you are my heart
you are my air
i've found you
no longer chasing my sunset
you allowed me to catch you
we walk together on this path
painting the stars
singing with the wind
lyrics so soft
you are my love
never forget
you are my love
i'll never forget
bring your hand to me
bring your heart
i'm here
always here

love.

wide awake and dreaming

who'd a thunk? not me. i had no idea i would be getting married this summer. last thing on my to-do list. every event that has occurred in the past couple months has been heaven sent and i can not deny it. i sit here pressing black and white keys with a beautiful ring staring right back at me. its so unreal. its so perfect. i know i'm loved by a compassionate, powerful, loving man. and i know that i fully love him. no doubts, no second guesses. i love him. my cowboy. every day seems like a dream. every time i plan something that has to do with my eternal marriage my hair stands on end. i'm dreaming. this whole schpeal can not be real. it has to be a dream. my life is spiraling, tumbling, and twisting in perfect directions. i'm so alive. words can not describe how i feel. the vaulted safe my heart was incased in under intense gaurd has been opened. its freeing. i'm wide awake and dreaming. i'm loved and i love.

my dear;

and go my dear
its love you fear
love you behold
its before me fortold

now i see
the love we can be
how we remain
this love still the same

and search for heaven
the stregth we'll be given
hope will provide
the hurt will subside

and go my dear
its love you fear
go and behold
this love is fotold

and pray to the skys
the clouds pass by
ho0ld onto me
i find we are free

now go my dear
no need for fear
love is blind
my love is kind

we are strong
we've been all along
hold me show me
love.

just breathe

lately i've been letting all my stresses really eat at me and get to me. they appear every where and i see them in other areas of my life that i don't even think are related. i realized that as i'm stressing and allowing myself to feel this way i'm no longer in my place of love. i find that as i choose to be stressed i live more in a place of fear and of anger than of love. why let some little things that wont even matter in a week affect me so harshly at that moment? its not worth it. i live so i can experience life at its best, live, love, laugh, learn, why would i allow such small things to be of detriment to my beautiful life? thus i have learned to just breathe, just breathe and let it go. the more i practice this the easier it gets to just "get over it". i find that as i do this i feel well. i feel light, happy and free. yes i have alot on my plate, yes i do get a bit stressed.. i'm human. BUT, its my choice to stay in that energy of stress or to dwell on things that i have no control over. so i've learned that i can accept what is and just be. live in the moment freely and happily. living in every moment of life with a true genuine joyous smile because i know that i get to choose how i feel and what i am.

there you are.

the spiral of events that have occurred the past couple months have twisted and twirled me into the winds of a tornado cyclone. my heart has been stolen for all eternity. i can honestly say i have truly found the perfect person for me, my perfect soul mate, the love of my forever. he came suddenly. i looked at him 6 months ago and felt a deep connection, my heart instantly found a special place for him, confused at its reaction i figured that he was one of those people i just wanted to put in my pocket and take around with me places. the more i got to know him the more drawn to him i felt. the deep connection we had was perfect and so beautiful. i knew i loved him but in what way? for months i struggled with what it was about him that was so magnetic to me. there were so many incredible qualities that i saw in him yet i told myself that they were the qualities of a dear friend not anything more. i found myself shushing my heart as it would rapidly beat out of control in his presence. my heart was vulnerable in the palm of his hands. we became closer and started spending more and more time together. all the while in my mind where the words... "what. in. the. hell. he is a cowboy?!" never would i have ever imagined this, yet it was perfect for me. after repeatedly disconnecting my heart from my head and allowing my head to take control i thought i was okay and that i wasn't in fact in love with this stranger, someone i'd only known for a couple months but had been through intensive training with, i knew him by heart, however my brain was telling me that i still didn't really know him because of the frame of time that it had only been despite seeing him for who he truly was i fought it, thought i was to young. then one night it hit me like a load of bricks,a sledge hammer to my head, an airplane banner in the sky. i felt and knew that i was supposed to be with this man for eternity. there was no denying the feeling, the sign, the constant whispering in my heart. i knew it. plain and simple. i was angry because it was me that would get to be vulnerable and tell him. i didn't want to. i fought the feeling, i fought the prompting. i hated that it was me. then suddenly i felt it so strongly there was no way around saying it aloud to him. the second the sentence left my mouth the warmth filled the room with the breath of the words. he had known for weeks but had been fighting it as well. our holds tightened on one another and we knew and felt it so intensely it was nearly visible in the darkness of the room. the salt lake temple is now awaiting us. its perfect, i love him with all that i am forever and ever. i found him suddenly and love him fully, there you are my love i've been waiting.

simple, natural

a stone set into a motion can create small insignificant ripples that turn into powerful waves. each and everyone of us can create a different path, we can create a change. trail blaze our way to an authentic experience of ourselves. continue to feel the drive of unconditional love. simple, natural love. simple, natural beauty. free to feel the simple, natural state of being. emerge yourself in pure pure. feel the power of its all encompassing euphoria! love simple, natural.

musac ah ha #2

music has always been a huge part of my life. not the "omg i loveeee this song, britney is a serious genius' type of part in my life but a deeper part, its spiritual, inspiring and brilliant. for me the power of music comes from the level at which it allows the listener to escape from their self and invites him/her to move deeper into their being allowing them to become vulnerable, grow and heal themselves spiritually through inspiration and self awareness that certain genres of music can initiate (thank you dallin). to numerous individuals each genre may do something different for them. for example country makes me want to start bleeding out every orface of my face then saw off the toe of a wild poison toad a drink its blood. BUT to someone else country may initiate a sense of spirituality and assist them to feel what is really going on inside them. so thus even though i don't necessarily enjoy listening to country music i still can have an appreciation for it and how it may serve others. its also very interesting to me how each genre appeals to various individuals and how their perceptions turn each song into something they either love or despise in their little reality that they create. really each song uses basically the same notes on the piano, guitar, banjo, harmonica, harp, flute, etc... you could have sufjan stevens playing one of his complex genius symphonies in one ear and a mellow jose gonsalez acoustic in the other and appreciate each one in its own form. or loath each one to each their own. what i'm getting at is music is a powerful force good or bad. it is our choice to what we decide to make it. we allow what influences us into our minds, there is no place to blame other outside sources because everything that happens to us we are accountable for. thus the music that we allow to shape us may, in fact, be a mirror into our true self. just a fun thing to think about. what do we listen to most? what do we fail to listen to? what moves us? what inspires us? what genre does the most good for us? or are we unaware of which one it is. do we listen just to have noise? or do we listen to appreciate chords, lyrics, harmonies, and tempos? do we allow our selves to sink deeply into what the artist may have been portraying or are we so shallow to not even care to dive deeply in to this master crafted art work? i challenge all to take a deeper genuine approach to the music that they listen to and find out what it really means to them on a spiritual, intellectual and inspirational level so that we as a generation aren't so mindless.

ah ha moment #1....

i must have been swimming in the ocean of epiphanies today, it seemed as if they just kept flooding into my heart and head like mexican food floods to your arteries and hips... bless it. So one of the huge ah ha moments i had today was while i was in a bless-ed meeting with the bish... i've been reading two very great books that i definitely recommend, one being 'the miracle of forgiveness' by spencer w. kimball and the other being 'believing christ' by stephen e. robinson. both very, very amazing books. however having said that in my own opinion the miracle of forgiveness is knowledge, and believing christ gives you hope for that knowledge. you'd know what i mean if you read them... ANYWAY. on page 8 in 'believing christ' it states "it doesn't matter what you did. whatever it was, no matter how horrible or vile, is not the issue. the issue here is that whatever your sin was or is, i can erase it, i can clean you up and make you innocent, pure, and worthy, and i can do it today; i can do it now." holy cow. the atonement is so strong and i can seriously use it for anything, yet i take it for granted. yet how much our heavenly father loves us. he is so willing to forget and erase any sin that we have no matter how small or large it is. it was so humbling to me. the love of god is so pure that really he is always going to love us. no matter what. he loves us. i take for granted so much that i am blessed with every waking moment and yet he continues to bless me. i can only imagine what kind of blessings i could receive from him if i were to acknowledge every one that i already have. another thing that i take for granted are the gifts that i have. all of my talents and abilities that i share with the world, or that i hide. either way i have them. i have been blessed with a lot of them yet i shy away when others seek to be graced by them... nuts.. why hide a beautiful thing that the lord has so gracefully given me?? he is proud of his creation, me, and that includes everything that is in me. yet i hide some of them... hm... crazy right? any way... i just was overwhelmed when i realized that i can not even comprehend how much my father in heaven loves sinful me. each curve ball in life is just a sign that he knows i can handle it and he believes in my strength and ability. i am strong and have done, and am doing amazing things in life with his help. i love my savior with all my heart and i really am so grateful to him for every single thing in my life. yay for love, joy, innocence, and worth!!

i am a creator

how often i choose to fight for my own limitations. how often i opt out of things because i think that i am not worthy or that others are more deserving. i catch myself every day dwelling on things that could'a would'a should'a been. however i have come to the realization that i create everything in my life. the good, the bad, and the ugly. everything that has come to me in my life i have created in some way or another. i believe that this is why heavenly father chose to give us our agency, so we could be tested and create our life. thus i am a creator. with this title comes so much responsibility that i am well deserving of. i create love in my life, happiness, joy, compassion, innocence, worth, trust, inspiration, authenticity, liberation, power, passion, brilliance, freedom, abundance, acceptance, radiance, leadership, nurturing,and so much more. my life is my canvas, the lord will intercept here and there and create the strokes that he knows are best fitting for me. if i drown myself in his pure love and look to him for assistance in erasing a stroke here or there he will. other than that, this is my canvas, no one can splash paint that i don't allow to be splashed. with my gifts i can touch and inspire people in my life. i create joy for them and empowerment through the true pure love that i can give and receive. life is our canvas and mine is what i have decided to create, mine has black spots of hurt and pain but it also has radiant colors of yellow, turquoise, purple, orange, aqua, white... so much color, so much love, so many experiences. painted.

i feel real.

tear drops frowned upon, broken hearts buried, rejection rejected. so many times i figure that shutting out my true feelings is a normal thing to do. its better that i shut down and forget about hurt... become a robot. robots, they don't have to feel pain, hurt, emotions. they are what they are. steel, metal, emotionless boxes. i'm no robot. i am real, i feel pain, hurt, however with this i get to have opposition i get to feel joy, freedom, love and worth. i am worthy, loving and free. no one can take that away from me. i create so many gifts for this world, innocence, joy, freedom, worth,courage, gratitude, hope, peace, empowerment. these amongst so many others are what the lord has given me. i am talented, beautiful, and gifted. i deserve only the best, i deserve to give and receive love easily. i deserve to be able to experience vulnerability for the best, i get to have my walls broken, torn down, burned,i want you to see me. don't let me hold back my greatness, call me out on it. as i find myself crawling into my old, dark, sad, miserable well... take my hand, show me light. i know its there, i just sometimes want to forget. why do i despise feelings? because when i feel, i know i'm real, i know that i am not perfect, i know i have battle scars, fresh wounds, tear streaks, unsaid words, a shattered, torn-up, sloppily pieced together heart. this is real. feelings are real. every single one. real. i feel real. so real i despise it. no mask, no façade, no wall can hide me. as much as i resent this at the same time i am so grateful for it. i get to know that i am. i live. i breath. i feel. i am.

take flight

i've been meaning to get a few more posts up here for a while, here we go...

tear drops put out the fire
the fire of our once love
where flowers blossomed
water flows around the bend

chorus:

wings take flight
feathers scatter in the sun
the suns rays put out light
and the water runs through the night
and the water runs through the night

drops of the crimson life
surround the flurries of the sky
wind screams and howls so deep
I’m alone the comfort keep

fly away with me
fly away with me
pockets so steep
surround me please

chorus:

wings take flight
feathers scatter in the sun
the suns rays put out light
and the water runs through the night

stop signs passing by
street lights hard to find
the moon sings in the sky
the fox cries as I pass by

clouds soar their gentle shapes
hide themselves their passing state
eagles kaw and I’m awake
the eagles kaw and I’m awake

my wings take flight
the feathers scatter in the sun
I feel the sun rays throw out their light
hear the water run through the night x4