clocks

time has flown this year. i remember going sledding with my then great life crush Oakly. running around tackling each other in the lovely january snow. meeting his nieces and nephews and falling in love with each of them. realizing that maybe this crush was turning into more. skipping ahead now we've been married for nearly 2 months. they haven't been easy months. but when have Oakly and i decided to let things be easy? each time i look at a clock my heart skips a beat... its already that time?? its already that day? its already been 2 months? summer is nearly over and i feel that i'm just ready to have it start. why have i let time fly by so quickly? why do clocks determine my life? wake up at 7:00 be ready to leave at 8:15 be to work by 9:00... time... clocks. who decided to let us be run by time? i mean i understand the reasoning of time and of order... however, what ever happend to this moment? this time right now? in all reality that is all we have. this moment this time. we aren't promised anything more or anything less. this moment is our life. this choice, this word, this emotion. why do so many of us concentrate on what will be or what will happen when all we have is right now. why not focus on right now. make more concious decisions now that will lead us to what we so desire. every single thing i do within this moment decides my future decides a little more of the outcome of my life. this thought. i don't have five minutes from now for that does not exist.. i do not have 5 minutes ago for that no longer exists.. all i have is now. and i'm going to make the best of it. so why clocks?

beautiful

challanges that we go through may impact us or they may not. depending on our attitude and our out look on life we are the ulitmate deciders on this. we choose our life. i choose my life. this past month has taught me alot. i've learned that i can let something get to me, hurt me, stress me out or i can choose to be happy. i choose to remember that life is beautiful. that each challange that comes my way is beautiful. i am genuinely grateful for everything that has ever happened to me in my life. i've grown from it. i've learned from it. and i've created who i am from each one. i love who i am today and i am grateful to all those challanges that have impacted who i am. life is beautiful. always remember that.

yup.

blog.... bloggy... blogger.. bloooger... blogggg... blooooOg.

well.. to be honest, i don't know what to write. writers bloggy block if you will. i have a lot to say, a lot i'm thinking about but nothing that really draws my fingers attention. click... click...

hm... remember the days when we were just able to sit on the front porch in the summer. popsicle in hand and just gaze at the sky as the gooey red, green, purple, or orange dripped all down our fingers into our laps... running through sprinklers, rolling down grassy hills. playing with chalk. dancing around in circles. getting dizzy and falling to the ground only to gaze into the beautiful sky and make shapes and stories out of clouds.
innocence.
i swear i am not that old. and yet i see a drastic change in the future generations that follow me. where i was dancing, running and playing outside those who follow behind me are staying inside. collecting dust. playing video games and running from our beautiful sun. its so sad to me. i don't understand the immense change that has occurred and it frightens me for even future generations. thus i feel the desire to make a stand. to stand for the health of children, the innocence, the playfulness, the laughter, the joy and the beauty of children. to see colorful side walks of chalk. to watch and join as kids roll down numerous hills of freshly cut grass. i stand to not let my innocence and my child-like soul dwindle in the darkness of stress, anger, adult-hood. i stand to allow children to be children. to sing, to pretend, to jump on trampolines, to ride bikes, to paint, to PLAY. i stand to always remember my inner-child. to embrace her and love her and to inspire others to do the same. to inspire children to be children. to love them for who they are and to allow them to be their selves. i stand for their safety, i stand for their love, and i stand for innocence.

thoughts, feelings, emotions.

i love garden gnomes, for no reason at all... they just make me so happy.
i love to watch people they are so peculiar. i just want to get to know them, their story, their life... so fascinating to me.
i love to eat ice cream.. any type, any flavor, any time.
i am my own worst critic... its something that is always a work in progress for me..
i love being outside, anything to do outside i'm there.
i love rock climbing, i love heights, i love that i am the only one that is keeping me from falling, i love that control and that rush.
i swear i am a 5 year old trapped in a 20 year old body
i love catching bugs and lizards..
mice creep me out
if you want to torture me, tickle me.
i love going on walks and holding hands
love chalk.
i like to doodle and write random things
i love my chubber nephew landon
and i love all my new little nieces and nephews.
i think probably every second of every day... my mind is always racing but its about crazy weird things that are super deep. ha its fun.
water. love it.
i love to learn things.
i love to teach things.
i love vacations
i love learning new languages.
getting married freaks me out. but i am so excited for it.
i like to feel how sharp my teeth are with my tongue.
i hate being rushed.
i love little things.
i really dislike having to conform.
the feel of meat makes me sick.
but i love to watch surgeries being performed...
i love antiques. always have. i love to rummage through my grandpas random items that he has kept for the past million years, in fact i am using them to decorate our new house!
i love leaves...
i love grass.
feathers make me happy.
i love white tables and cabinets and things
i love all colors really, but recently its been more blues and greens and such.
the sun in my paradise.
i love yard work. planting flowers, mowing lawns, weeding, gardening. love it.
i have always been a hard worker, but i tend to take everything on myself.
i hate being told i'm wrong but i claim to love bluntness.
i am sensitive.
i pray probably every 10 minutes in a day.
i love animals.
i love when i wake up to birds singing
i love birds, how free they seem to be just flying around being all cheerful and such.
i love church, i am so grateful for my amazing ward and i am so grateful for the impact that it has made on my life.
i love decorating and getting new ideas that no one else has :)
i am grateful that i can now catch myself when i am being a nerd.
i love deep conversations.
eye contact.
i love all of Oakly's little quirks and things.. even the things that piss me off most i love.
i love kids. love... them..
i love being tan.
i love running
i love hiking and fishing and swimming
i am scared of failure.
i am scared to hurt anyone.
i'm some times way scared of the dark.
i love when people smile randomly
i love connecting with people
i like to go grocery shopping
i love close friends
i love spending time with my family
i love life.

i am

so many times i forget who i am. i dwell on things that i'm not, let them eat at me. hurt me. and i pull those around me down with this darkness that i allow to surround my being. that dark place is not me. i know who i am. i am light-hearted, caring, genuine, loving, free, peaceful, accepting, authentic, beautiful, worthy, joyful, innocent just to say the very least... i am good enough. i am enough. i am loved. i am love. i am beautiful and i am so much more. i strive to no longer dwell on what i am not. and to accept those imperfections that i do have. i get to remind myself what i AM and why i am thus:

i am free.
because i accept. because i let go of the past and engage myself into the now. i am free because i give up my sorrows to the lord. because i am free of hate, sadness, hurt, unworthiness. because i choose to love. because i choose joy. because i choose to be in a happy relationship. i am free because i choose to be child-like. because i choose me.

i am loving.
because i love. because i am loved. because i accept all those surrounding me. i am loving because i love myself. because i love my family. because i love Oakly. i am loving because my savior Jesus Christ loves me and my holy Father in Heaven loves me. because i am peaceful and create security for those around me. i am loving because i care and genuinely love people, all people. i am loving because i am love.

i am worthy.
i am worthy because i am good enough. because i fight evils every day. because i strive to do what is right. because i pray. because i believe. i am worthy because i let go, i forgive, i live. i am worthy because i am imperfect and i recognize my imperfections. i am worthy because i know that i am loved. i am worthy because i am a daughter of God. i am worthy because i give my whole heart to my savior and redeemer. i am worthy because i love myself. i know i am worth it. i am worthy and i am ready.

i know that i am a free, loving, worthy women. and i know that by sharing my gifts i create a world full of abundance, love, innocence, joy, freedom, beauty, purity and worth. i am these things. i create these things. and i am.

my cowboy, my love

lets slow down the time
freeze frame
all i want is you here
all i want is you here with me

your soft touch
gentle gaze
my heart palpitates
tick tock erase

erase the past
love the now
paint our future
take your bow

hold me close
show me your light
i see your eyes
catch my breath in your sight

fingers intertwine
planes soaring by
making pictures from clouds
you make my heart fly

together forever
dreams coming true
my cowboy, my love
i'm ready for this adventure with you

never forget

i see you
i'm in love with your touch
i'm in love with your face
you're my christmas morning
my warm embrace
running in slow motion under water
attacking my aches and pains
you free my soul
have shown me the way
what i deserve
what i get
what i love
i'll never forget
you are my heart
you are my air
i've found you
no longer chasing my sunset
you allowed me to catch you
we walk together on this path
painting the stars
singing with the wind
lyrics so soft
you are my love
never forget
you are my love
i'll never forget
bring your hand to me
bring your heart
i'm here
always here